Just breathe

The last few weeks have felt a little frenetic – the run-up to actually tendering my resignation was more stressful than I anticipated. I’d decided to wait until after Holy Week to notify the church, since I didn’t want anything to distract from the week’s celebrations, but since I’d already made the decision it proved to be harder to wait than I expected. Once the word was out, my brain began the process of uncoupling from the work, and I’m struggling to stay focused. I tend to become emotionally invested in everything I do; it seems to be part of my work ethic that I take it all very seriously. So having decided to leave, my brain has begun to withdraw the tendrils it sank into the soil of this particular enterprise and seek out the next place to plant itself. The problem is that I’m not quite done with it in the place that I am – and will be through May 11. I have need of it, and it doesn’t want to cooperate. Like a rebellious teenager, it’s off checking out the next cool thing (and there are cool things coming, to be sure), when what I really need for it to do is focus and clean its room, because there’s a house showing in a few weeks.

Or something. Maybe that’s a bad analogy.

On the other side of things, I’m genuinely exhausted. My health issues – most of which are stress related, or the result of having taken spectacularly bad care of myself for a prolonged period – don’t seem to be resolving themselves easily. I had long and truly wonderful conversations last week with two people who matter to me, and in both instances, we agreed that what I really need is a season of rest. “Rest” is hard for me – that rebellious brain of my mine dislikes downtime in any form, and is constantly picking away at one thing or another – so “rest” will be a relative term. But in addition to being a little selfish, and taking up only those things that feed my spirit, it will include (I hope) more sleep, especially more disciplined sleep. I have not had a good schedule for so long that part of the recovery process I described in my last post will include just re-establishing some important disciplines and routines. Good, fresh, simply prepared food is high on the list – I have gained a frightening amount of weight in two years. Moving, becoming active – I hesitate to write “exercise” because I tend to avoid that like the plague. I just feel too crappy and sore all the time. But if I can just move more – walk a little or garden – it will be a start. More time with God, more quiet, more of simply being still and hearing from him.

Some basic housekeeping, on a regular schedule. My house is appalling right now – it’s embarrassing.

So my temptation is to race from my current stressors straight to a new set – because something must be terribly wrong if I am not busy, busy, busy! I need to take time and make space and go slowly, learn to be present in the moment and not so future-focused. That’s going to be the biggest challenge for me.

I did make some time to work on a few new photos, using the stunning yellow orchid I recently bought for my living room. And I am really looking forward to doing more of that.

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